Hearing the Stories Suggestions
for Parish Groups Asking Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Clergy to Speak

Prepared by the VOTF Working Group on Survivors' Issues

Why ask a survivor of sexual abuse by clergy to speak to your parish group?

A transformative connection often takes place between laity and survivors at parish sessions. One feels the presence of the Sacred. For Catholics, hearing the victim's truth can clarify the evil we must address - and invigorate our struggle to purify our fallen church. Survivors tell us that speaking is spiritually restorative for them, as well. Through speaking at small parish sessions, many survivors experience, for the first time, heartfelt remorse and sorrow for their abuse from people within the Catholic Church.

In listening to these harrowing stories, we incur a precious obligation: to be worthy of the trust that the survivor is extending to us. This means collaborating closely with the survivor to create a safe and protected environment for their speaking and our listening.

At the beginning of all sessions, there should be an announcement made identifying that there is a person (therapist, counselor, etc.) who is available to assist anyone in the audience who might become upset by the presentation.

To create this safe speaking space, here are guidelines that we have found helpful:

Solicit the Survivor's Input on Every Aspect of the Session
Consult the survivor in the weeks before the session takes place. Discuss the location, timing and audience. What will be happening before and after the survivor speaks? If you're wondering whether a certain detail will be appropriate for the evening, ask. Assume nothing. Be aware that only the individual survivor knows what constitutes a safe place for him or her.

Although these guidelines have been suggested and approved by survivors who have spoken to parish groups, none of these ground rules will apply to every survivor who speaks. Every person is different.

For example, most people willing to tell their stories of surviving sexual abuse by clergy need at least 30 minutes; but some will prefer to speak for only 10 or 15 minutes.

Many speakers will welcome responses afterwards from the parishioners; some will want to leave immediately. Most will appreciate your group's refraining from praying or singing hymns; some may be comfortable with the Catholic faith. Some will not mind speaking in a church; others will prefer a secular setting.

Allow Sufficient Time

For a survivor of sexual abuse by clergy, the typical speaking allotment of 10 minutes is too brief. The survivor's intimate and painful story should not be just another rushed agenda item in a busy meeting.

The most powerful scenario: devote an entire meeting to hearing from one or two survivors, with the guidance of an experienced facilitator. Allow time afterwards for parishioners to share their questions and reactions with the survivors and each other.

If a survivor is speaking during a plenary, we suggest that you minimally plan 20 minutes or so for survivor to tell his or her story. Allow an additional 10 to 15 minutes for listeners to respond.

Develop the Format for Your Meeting from Either of Two Models

I. SPEAKER SESSION AGENDA (In which hearing the survivors' stories are the only purpose of the meeting)

Suggested length of meeting: 2 to 2 1/2 hours, featuring two survivors and a facilitator/therapist to guide discussion afterwards. (If one survivor is speaking, 90 minutes could be sufficient.)

• Brief introduction by parish moderator (5 minutes)
• Introductory remarks by facilitator (5 minutes)
• Frames the evening, prepares audience to listen
• Introduces survivors
• Two survivors speak (20 to 30 minutes each)
• Facilitator gives a couple of minutes for parishioners to reflect on what they've heard. Then s/he announces a 10-minute break for refreshments. The break allows the audience to begin absorbing what they've heard and to informally share their responses with the speaker(s) and with each other. It also gives the speaker(s) a chance to step away from the crowd, if they wish, or to mingle.
• Meeting resumes and speakers respond to selected comments. (15-20 minutes)

II. PLENARY AGENDA (In which the survivor's story is one of several agenda items):

• Prior to the meeting in which a survivor will address the plenary, we suggest that the group discuss VOTF's first goal and view the Solidarity March video. The video is available from VOTF headquarters.
• On the night of the scheduled meeting, there is a brief, respectful introduction by the parish moderator to prepare the audience. (2 minutes )
• One survivor speaker addresses those gathered. (15-20 minutes)
• Following the survivor's telling of his or her story, there should be a planned break to allow the survivor to leave or to meet with people informally. (This should be arranged with the survivor when the date is set.) (5 to 10 minutes)

Consider the Audience

• No children under high school age.
• No news media, unless the survivor has given his/her permission.
• Sometimes, the parish priest attends these sessions. If a priest or other clergy member will be in attendance, please let the survivor know ahead of time. The survivor may ask that the priest not attend. One VOTF parish coordinator, at the request of the survivors who were scheduled to speak at her church, asked her pastor not to wear his clerical collar. He was happy to oblige.

Be Sensitive to the Possibility That the Survivor Is No Longer Catholic

Singing a hymn … saying a prayer … the very rituals of our faith that comfort Catholic non-survivors can be traumatic reminders for those who were sexually abused as children by priests. To be sensitive, please plan on not praying or singing hymns in the survivor's presence. At meetings in which survivors are speaking, some parish groups agree to hold a moment of silence, in lieu of a spoken prayer. Other groups schedule the prayer or singing to take place before the survivor comes. (The survivor should be informed of this timing.) Please also describe to the survivor ahead of time the physical location of the meeting (e.g., church, hall, basement, etc).

Remember to Supply Tissues and Water for the Speaker

Honor the Survivor's Right to Not Be Censored

Occasionally, a parish coordinator will state a preference for remarks that are not too angry. We recommend that non-victims not attempt to control the tone or content of the survivor's remarks. In speaking to us about their trauma, the survivors honor us with their vulnerability as well as their courage. Some may express anger, not only at the perpetrator and the hierarchy, but at all Catholics. They may cite details of their abuse that make us want to block our ears. By reverently receiving their stories, we become authentic witnesses to the enormity of their suffering. We begin to feel the weight of their cross. As poet and survivor Arthur Austin has said, "I had to live it; all you have to do is listen."

How Should We Respond to the Stories?
Do's:
Steve Lynch, a survivor, has told laypeople, "By listening to us, you're helping us." Our attentive and appreciative listening is itself an important response to the survivor.

Beyond listening, feel free to share any of your sincere feelings - sorrow, shame, gratitude, admiration, or warmth - with the speaker.

Don't's:
Be careful about hugging. Some survivors are comfortable accepting embraces; others are not. Survivors suggest we ask first if we can hug them.

In addition, we've learned to refrain from giving the survivor spiritual instruction, such as telling them to pray. Most survivors, especially those who are strong enough to speak about their traumas, have developed their own spirituality. Such advice from parishioners can sound presumptuous and condescending. (Another oft-heard Catholic expression that, regardless of its sincerity, makes some survivors wince: "I'll pray for you.")

Express Your Appreciation to the Speaker
Send a thank you note.
Given the intensely personal information shared with us by survivors, it is especially important that survivors receive thank you notes after they speak to parish groups. A collective note should be sent from the host group; additional notes from individuals would be welcomed.

Give an honorarium.
Please consider giving an honorarium to each survivor who speaks to your group. We recommend $150 (in an envelope) for each survivor who speaks at a full-evening session and a minimum of $75 for each survivor who speaks at a plenary.

If you can offer extra support, pass the basket and donate proceeds to the Survivors' Appeal. After the survivor's story, perhaps towards the end of the evening, please "pass the basket" and ask for contributions. The purpose of this collection is to fund the newly established Survivors' Appeal. The Survivors' Appeal is aimed at serving the needs of anyone who has been abused by Catholic clergy. It is sponsored and administered by a broad coalition of groups of survivors and survivors' advocates. This coalition includes representatives from SNAP, STTOP!, The Linkup, VOTF, the Coalition of Catholics and Survivors, and SOAR. These parish speaking events are the primary source of funding for the Survivors' Appeal.

The proceeds may be given to the speakers that evening, or a check for the amount collected may be sent to The Survivors Appeal, Attn. Paul Baier, 4 Cedar Street, Wellesley, MA 02481. Thank you for your generosity and concern.

These sessions are not the time to praise our priests.

After a survivor tells of his or her experience, audience members sometimes point out that few priests are sexually abusive and that most are great credits to the Church. This statement is certainly true, but we ask that you express it another time. Parishioners also often take this opportunity to praise their own priests. Please refrain from this during a survivor speaking session. Those who praise their priest intend no harm. They are feeling compassion and loyalty towards their own priest, who they know to be an honorable man. However, their comments can feel rude to the person who has just described an intimate and painful story of having been sexually abused by a priest. Ideally, in the wake of this story, we focus on the speaker and let our compassion and indignation be on his or her behalf."

We have found that it is best not to have a priests and survivors on the same program.

Other Things You Can Do

In addition to having survivors speak to your affiliate, we would like to suggest other concrete things we can do:

• Raise money for survivor causes.
• Monitor you bishop's compliance with USCCB stated committments to transparency and healing. Contribute data to BishopAccountability.org.
• Join SNAP or The Linkup in lobbying for reform or repeal statutes of limitation laws.
• Devote a meeting to discussing Mary Gail Frawley-O'Day's essay, "The Experience of A Victim of Sexual Abuse: A Reflection."
• Read and discuss the landmark reports written by the NH Attorney General and the Suffolk County (Long Island) District Attorney.
• Call and ask your state's attorney general or local DA to: investigate possible criminal actions by the local diocese in regards to cover-up of sex abuse crimes; write an in-depth report of their investigation, even if the crimes are no longer prosecutable.
• Hold a vigil outside the chancery of your diocese; respond publicly and swiftly to new church actions that hurt victims or contradict the bishops' promises of transparency and compassion.
• Write letters to the editor.

Take Time to Deepen and Retain What You Learn from the Survivors
Some parish groups have found great value in having follow-up discussions at their next meeting. You might consider allotting 20 minutes or so at your next meeting to explore your honest responses to what you felt and thought as a result of hearing the survivors.

Be Flexible: the Unexpected Will Happen
For instance, you're expecting two speakers … three come, instead. Or your fellow parishioners assume that the meeting will end at 9:00, as usual … instead, the program finally wraps up at 9:45. Unlike other meetings of your chapter, your speaker session may not proceed as you expected. Our observation, based on our own experiences: just about whatever happens, as long as the survivor is respected, is what should happen.